Don't say you wasn't warned, don't say it wasnt pointed out by many people, this is what you get when you appoint a manager whose (perceived) brand of football is alien to everything that had gone on before it. I have always said that the big man should never have darkened our door, he was a business appointment not a football appointment brought in because the Daves had in their infinite wisdom appointed the worst manager to tactically manage our club, and preceded to get us relegated. We had sunk so low that even the appointment of a manager who style of football was alien to everything this club had stood for looked to many a good move. We gave ourselves the title as "The Academy of Football" as a statement that we were where the best products of English football came to learn the game, learn it to played the right way. The production line that produced most of the golden generation of the last 20 years, players that have won hundreds of England caps, premier league titles and champion league trophies, fcuk it, we even did win the World Cup. 3 of our youths, taught the right way, leading the country to glory, not only that but some of the goals scored came off the West Ham training ground not the England training ground. You could make an argument that Ron Greenwood had a hand in lifting the trophy as much as Ramsey as it was him that came up with the ball to the nearpost for Hurst to head home v the Argies and the Germans. Academy of football, my fcuking arse,
The style of play should run through all the clubs teams, from the 1st team all the way down through the development (reserves) and the under 19's 16's etc etc. are we honestly teaching our kids to play the Alladyce Way, has the Great Tony Carr forsaken all that he has coached in the past, because if we are then we got to take down the signs proclaiming us as the academy of football because following the shame will be too much to bear.
I'm not a lover of Stats but even I can't ignore the evidence they give to the fact that something is wrong with the way we play. Every team, except Cardiff, has possession greater than we have, we have the worst pass completion rate in the top flight and our shots on target across the 5 games in the league are also the worst, 8 in total.
I can hear people saying that this is a typical knee jerk reaction and we've only had 5 games, but the opposition in those 5 games are teams that we should In The least be matching, but we're not, and the problem is after Hull we start a run against the big boys who on current form it could be embarrassing. It seems we are stuck, counting the days until Andy Carroll is deemed fit enough to bring a bit of hope but then he is not really the answer, in fact he is possibly part of the problem, big lump up front a easy target to hit early, Sam has built his team around him neglecting to realise that if he's not available we had no like for like replacement. Love him or hate him but Carlton Cole at least did slot in to that role a dam sight better than Maiga, who if we are honest we are not playing to his strengths and we were trying to off load to anywhere in the summer.
It appears we chased Lukaku in the summer to no avail, Demba BA & Jermain Defoe as well, all it appears turned us down who knows why the did s open for debate but its not out of the realms of fantasy to suggest they all knew when Carroll is back, they are out the 1st team, most of Sams signings have been in their very late 20’s or early 30’s this is not building a team, but short termism, think forward 3 years to the OS, it appears to foundations of the team has been built on sand. Knock Pards as we might, he bought young players that even when it went tits up we managed to sell at a good profit.
Unfortunately it seems we are stuck with Sam as our owners probably just look at staying in the premier league as success, I doubt they give a monkeys arse about entertainment or seeing a team playing half decently and that is why his appointment was purely a business decision made by desperate owners to clear up the god awful mess their 1st appointment made.
What the answer to this mess is to be honest I don’t know, me personally I would out him straight away, but then again I would of sacked him after the play off final, then again I would never of appointed him in the 1st place. The answer of who could take west ham forward is out there somewhere, I just doubt our current owners would ever take the risk on that person. They like safety managers as highlighted by their appointments at Brum, could you ever see them appointing a manager in the way Southampton did, they were on the up but the owner realised it wouldn’t last so rather than stick with the incumbent he went bold, a total unknown, now Southampton are no great team but they certainly outplayed us at their ground and then topped it off by going to Liverpool and winning. Look at Swansea and the appointments they have made, 2 of their previous managers are managing in the premier league and yet they go from strength to strength.
The fact that both Swansea’s and Southampton’s managers learned their trade in Spain is no coincidence to the success they are impacting on their respective teams, when you look at the success of the Spanish national side, that comes from every team in spain playing virtually the same style, so any new player called into their squad can fit straight in with the stars of Barca and Real, you cant say that of the English national team.
Some where out there is a manager for us, I just hope we find him before someone else does.
Sunday, 5 January 2014
OLAS V Man City 13/14
If aliens had landed 3 weeks ago and wanted to know what it is like to be a west ham fan then the last 3 weeks should have been enough for them to get the gist of it. Everton turning up in an old Tottenham kit to turn us over after we were twice in front, we then travel up to Hull actually dominate a game with possession and shots etc etc only to lose to possibly the softest penalty decision ever leaving us staring at the bottom of league with the easiest 6 game combination all season done and dusted, it has been bad enough going to Tottenham recently without our obvious failings upfront making us all fear the result, but then just as even the most ardent Big Sam fans are starting to question the man’s tactics, he comes up with a system that absolutely baffles the spurs defence, and perhaps shows to those of us haters that he does have a plan b. The Spurs result has brought hope where there was possibly despair that perhaps it wont be as bad as the doom merchants like myself were prophesising. Actually im quite looking forward to todays game because if the team can play the same way as we did against Spurs then I believe Man city can be defeated ,on their travels this season they have already been beaten twice, by Villa & Cardiff, and only managed a goalless draw against Stoke so they are struggling for results away from their own patch, of course if that alien is here it will probably end up with City being victorious as we all know we never have 2 wins back to back in the prem, another harsh lesson for our green friend to learn. The funny thing about it is that our current form is probably what makes many of us keep coming back, it’s the unpredictability of West Ham which goes back decades that for me is an added attraction. Look around the top grounds, look at the atmosphere around those grounds and excluding perhaps todays visitors the crowds seem a bit flat, perhaps due to the fact that more often or not if you turn up at The Bridge, Old Trafford, The Emirates etc you are more likely to see a home victory, you cant say that about West Ham, while we may predict a hammers victory that is probably more bravado to our non-supporting friends rather than a sound judgement based on fact. If you felt inclined you could easily make an argument for all 3 results today and none of them would make you sound deluded. I think the bookies call it coupon busters as not many football fans let alone Hammers fans would have stuck the spurs game down as an away win.
The eagle eyed of you may have noticed that today’s game was advertised at the Everton game on the big screen, nothing unusual in that you may say, but the wording of the advert was unusual to say the least,
I’m no lover in marketing in football, for the simple reason that I don’t know 1 football fan that attends west ham on the back of an advert so if you consider how much we spend on marketing as a club, adverts in papers, on the radio etc etc and throw in the wages of the staff I often wonder if the marketing dept actually is needed but considering our vice chairman is the queen of marketing and brand expansion it is probably a necessary evil as Stratford looms but surely they need to think about how fans would react to some of their output. Come see City’s superstars at the Boleyn the advert cried, yet what the makers of the advert failed to realise is that us hammers fans would instantly pick up on the fact that they fail to mention OUR super stars. Ok I know we have no real superstars but our players are stars to us and they should be afforded that courtesy by our marketing dept, 1 simple way would have been “Can the hammers heroes beat city’s superstars at the Boleyn” but no they went down the road that appealed to NON WEST HAM FANS, THE NUETRAL. THE TOURISTS, those that are needed to fill the extra seats at Stratford or those mug enough to pay the extortionate price being charged today. We are led to believe that the club employees are not only workers but fans of the club, well the person who designed the advert showed a distinct lack of knowledge or feeling about the club, hopefully he has learned their lesson and wont make that mistake again.
In old days having such a gap between home games we would of struggled get our fix of all thing hammers but now we live in the digital media era and the rise of social media we can converse all day every day if we want to, I myself love to sit in twitter land and tweet away all my negative feelings about the club, its good as a release mechanism. Sometimes though I can overstep the mark, I must apologise to Hugh Southon the leading west ham journalist and writer, he of claret and Hugh blog fame. It appears I did over step the mark in commenting on one of his blogs. He wrote about how Big Sam was safe from the sack (I didn’t know he was facing it either but anyway), in his blog he wrote that when our esteemed owners bought Brum they inherited Barry Fry as a manager sacked him then appointed their own man who of course they backed even though that said manager managed to relegate brum in his 1st season.i now realise that instead of praising Hugh for his great piece I quite disgracefully pointed out that he was wrong, Terry Cooper was the Brum manager when G&S bought the club not Fry. In fact they appointed Fry after sacking Cooper and it was Fry that relegated Brum. Hugh (naturally) took great offence at his journalistic skills beeing besmirched by a mere amateur as I am, for which he threw his dummy out of his pram after calling me a Troll? Blocked me from viewing anything he ever tweets again.i was naturally beside myself with anguish and shame I would to use my time here ,as I cant on twitter as he has blocked me. To say “Grow up you F#####g T##T”. I just hope hugh if you are reading you can accept my apology in the manner it was meant and I cant wait for you to un-block me so I can read more of the utter garbage you call Journalism i mean who would of thought it, a journalist that don’t like free speech. Feel free to contact me @mywhufc , even to point out my mistakes.
The eagle eyed of you may have noticed that today’s game was advertised at the Everton game on the big screen, nothing unusual in that you may say, but the wording of the advert was unusual to say the least,
I’m no lover in marketing in football, for the simple reason that I don’t know 1 football fan that attends west ham on the back of an advert so if you consider how much we spend on marketing as a club, adverts in papers, on the radio etc etc and throw in the wages of the staff I often wonder if the marketing dept actually is needed but considering our vice chairman is the queen of marketing and brand expansion it is probably a necessary evil as Stratford looms but surely they need to think about how fans would react to some of their output. Come see City’s superstars at the Boleyn the advert cried, yet what the makers of the advert failed to realise is that us hammers fans would instantly pick up on the fact that they fail to mention OUR super stars. Ok I know we have no real superstars but our players are stars to us and they should be afforded that courtesy by our marketing dept, 1 simple way would have been “Can the hammers heroes beat city’s superstars at the Boleyn” but no they went down the road that appealed to NON WEST HAM FANS, THE NUETRAL. THE TOURISTS, those that are needed to fill the extra seats at Stratford or those mug enough to pay the extortionate price being charged today. We are led to believe that the club employees are not only workers but fans of the club, well the person who designed the advert showed a distinct lack of knowledge or feeling about the club, hopefully he has learned their lesson and wont make that mistake again.
In old days having such a gap between home games we would of struggled get our fix of all thing hammers but now we live in the digital media era and the rise of social media we can converse all day every day if we want to, I myself love to sit in twitter land and tweet away all my negative feelings about the club, its good as a release mechanism. Sometimes though I can overstep the mark, I must apologise to Hugh Southon the leading west ham journalist and writer, he of claret and Hugh blog fame. It appears I did over step the mark in commenting on one of his blogs. He wrote about how Big Sam was safe from the sack (I didn’t know he was facing it either but anyway), in his blog he wrote that when our esteemed owners bought Brum they inherited Barry Fry as a manager sacked him then appointed their own man who of course they backed even though that said manager managed to relegate brum in his 1st season.i now realise that instead of praising Hugh for his great piece I quite disgracefully pointed out that he was wrong, Terry Cooper was the Brum manager when G&S bought the club not Fry. In fact they appointed Fry after sacking Cooper and it was Fry that relegated Brum. Hugh (naturally) took great offence at his journalistic skills beeing besmirched by a mere amateur as I am, for which he threw his dummy out of his pram after calling me a Troll? Blocked me from viewing anything he ever tweets again.i was naturally beside myself with anguish and shame I would to use my time here ,as I cant on twitter as he has blocked me. To say “Grow up you F#####g T##T”. I just hope hugh if you are reading you can accept my apology in the manner it was meant and I cant wait for you to un-block me so I can read more of the utter garbage you call Journalism i mean who would of thought it, a journalist that don’t like free speech. Feel free to contact me @mywhufc , even to point out my mistakes.
OLAS v Villa 13/14
Gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth saving'
Then you better start swimming'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changing'
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
Keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
Don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's naming'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they, they are a-changing'
yes folks as Bob Dylan says, the times they are changing, it appears that the goodwill built up by the owners since they have walked into the club is disappearing and many of the fans are starting to question the way the club is being run. To try and say what has brought this change in the fans mindset is not that hard as since they walked into the club little by little they have managed to alienate fans, but the big tipping point broke after the Man City game with the publication of a Photograph showing a hand-full of tickets bearing the name Community Trust & showing the price of only £5. I'm sure I don't need to point out to everyone that the face value price of those ticket's were £52, or £47 if you are a member, yet the club saw fit to dispose of over 2,000 tickets at under 10% of the price people sitting next to them paid.
Naturally outrage followed across the WHU forums and on twitter, some of it un-savoury, but many from fans who when looking to come to this game had decided that the price was just not worth paying or was out of their raech due to the cost, all were West ham fans that would of loved to attend especially at £5 a ticket & bearing in mind a child ticket was £29 as well, how many parents had purchased their tickets for £52 and then their kids at £29 to sit next to or near the lucky owners of the £5 tickets. The Club monitor all the main sites so they knew the groundswell of opinion regarding this matter and the reponse they put out on the official website frankly was poor in my opinion, totally ignoring the main complaint of fans, i.e the price, they just told us how in their eyes the community trust was a success. As a SAB member I wrote to the club
“sorry to bother you but i hope you dont mind me contacting yourselves regarding the Ticket issue matter that has arisen after this weekends game.
The club has IMO many questions to answer over the misguided issuing of tickets at a discounted rate for a category A game and the clubs release yesterday im afraid will not stop the questioning as there is no official fan group that the club meets with apart from the SAB so i would ask you to consider calling a meeting of the SAB to allow at-least some dialogue from the club to the fans. Many fans are feeling alienated from the club and i feel that if you ignore the situation it will only damage the club as whole.
also by calling a SAB meeting and allowing members to feedback with no provisos then it could be away of showing the critics of the SAB, of which i admit to being one, that we do have a part to play in the club. If you read the forums, which i know you do, then youwill notice the apathy that the SAB is held in, not just from outsiders but some members as well. While i am a critical of the regime there comes a time when we all must realise we have to work together for the club to benefit. at this moment in time unless something is done to reverse this trend then i can only see the club fracturing even more its core fan base.
i implore you to start engaging with your core support more than you do and allow those you engage with to feedback to the wider fanbase and there is no better way to start than with all the SAB members.
looking forward to your response,
many thanks
Nigel Kahn
part of the response was that the club had previously done the same at the Wigan game last year, naturally I checked and yes the club had, but the difference was the club had advertised in advance that the game was a designated Community Trust, we all knew in advance that their would be people in the ground that hadn't paid or had paid significantly less than they had, also Wigan as we all know is probably the least attractive game in the football calender coupled with the fact that wigan themselves probably only bring around 500 fans to the Boleyn which leaves over 1000 tickets normally that would be taken by the away support available for home fans yet check whufc.com and you find no mention what so ever of any community trust involvemnt or ticket distribution for the Man City Game. Somewhere out there is the truth over the reason why the club decided to sell tickets for £5 to people who may never have attended or thought about attending the ground while neglecting to offer the same tickets to members, who have paid £30 already for the honour, or fans on the database which they claim to have hit a million, with that many people you would of thought they could of outed those tickets without discounting, then again. The club have said they will call a SAB meeting where we will discuss ticketing and other issues, personaly the longer they leave it the more they will run the risk of alienating the very fans they need in the future.
Once the ticket scandal was starting to dampen then it came to light about a young boy who it had been claimed that he had been banned by the club for life, fined £1,100 and had his ST confiscated, all this after being arrested at the ground and then to top it all he had spent 16 hours in a police cell all for the crime of having a u-16 ST when he was 18.
#unbansam was the cry and rightly so in my eyes, as it appeared the club had treated him harshly, after all is not the east end way to pull astroke, beat the system, scam, no big crime is it. Bearing in mind the way some view the SAB I decided to see if as an SAB member could I help the kid out, I dont know him but I just felt he needed help, so again I emailed the club. The response was interesting to say the least, it apears there was more to this story to meet the eye, as it wasnt a club led investigation but a police investigation that brought him to the attention of the club, he wasnt banned for life, but until all outstanding monies owed to the club, yes the £1,100, due to the fact the club claim he defrauded out of them that amount, roughly abot £300 difference for the home ST and then the rest in away tickets etc etc.
Why the police came looking is not for me to divulge, 1. is that the police are still investigating him & 2. what he done was foolish but I wouldnt want him to be hung out to dry or have the sanctimonious fans having a pop at him. Ive offered to help him once the old bill have finished with him, I still think the £1,100 seems extreme and maybe the club could cut him some slack there, but the one thing both theses sagas have shown is that there is a need for a Fans supporters association/union, somewhere where fans with problems can go for help and advice and then that assosiciation could then speak with the club. It is quite clear that the SAB has not got the teeth to do that, it needs an independent fans body that with strength in numbers can do that. I look forward to that day, which will be soon, for people as bob dylan sang “ The times, they are a changing” VIVA Revolution.
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth saving'
Then you better start swimming'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changing'
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
Keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
Don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's naming'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they, they are a-changing'
yes folks as Bob Dylan says, the times they are changing, it appears that the goodwill built up by the owners since they have walked into the club is disappearing and many of the fans are starting to question the way the club is being run. To try and say what has brought this change in the fans mindset is not that hard as since they walked into the club little by little they have managed to alienate fans, but the big tipping point broke after the Man City game with the publication of a Photograph showing a hand-full of tickets bearing the name Community Trust & showing the price of only £5. I'm sure I don't need to point out to everyone that the face value price of those ticket's were £52, or £47 if you are a member, yet the club saw fit to dispose of over 2,000 tickets at under 10% of the price people sitting next to them paid.
Naturally outrage followed across the WHU forums and on twitter, some of it un-savoury, but many from fans who when looking to come to this game had decided that the price was just not worth paying or was out of their raech due to the cost, all were West ham fans that would of loved to attend especially at £5 a ticket & bearing in mind a child ticket was £29 as well, how many parents had purchased their tickets for £52 and then their kids at £29 to sit next to or near the lucky owners of the £5 tickets. The Club monitor all the main sites so they knew the groundswell of opinion regarding this matter and the reponse they put out on the official website frankly was poor in my opinion, totally ignoring the main complaint of fans, i.e the price, they just told us how in their eyes the community trust was a success. As a SAB member I wrote to the club
“sorry to bother you but i hope you dont mind me contacting yourselves regarding the Ticket issue matter that has arisen after this weekends game.
The club has IMO many questions to answer over the misguided issuing of tickets at a discounted rate for a category A game and the clubs release yesterday im afraid will not stop the questioning as there is no official fan group that the club meets with apart from the SAB so i would ask you to consider calling a meeting of the SAB to allow at-least some dialogue from the club to the fans. Many fans are feeling alienated from the club and i feel that if you ignore the situation it will only damage the club as whole.
also by calling a SAB meeting and allowing members to feedback with no provisos then it could be away of showing the critics of the SAB, of which i admit to being one, that we do have a part to play in the club. If you read the forums, which i know you do, then youwill notice the apathy that the SAB is held in, not just from outsiders but some members as well. While i am a critical of the regime there comes a time when we all must realise we have to work together for the club to benefit. at this moment in time unless something is done to reverse this trend then i can only see the club fracturing even more its core fan base.
i implore you to start engaging with your core support more than you do and allow those you engage with to feedback to the wider fanbase and there is no better way to start than with all the SAB members.
looking forward to your response,
many thanks
Nigel Kahn
part of the response was that the club had previously done the same at the Wigan game last year, naturally I checked and yes the club had, but the difference was the club had advertised in advance that the game was a designated Community Trust, we all knew in advance that their would be people in the ground that hadn't paid or had paid significantly less than they had, also Wigan as we all know is probably the least attractive game in the football calender coupled with the fact that wigan themselves probably only bring around 500 fans to the Boleyn which leaves over 1000 tickets normally that would be taken by the away support available for home fans yet check whufc.com and you find no mention what so ever of any community trust involvemnt or ticket distribution for the Man City Game. Somewhere out there is the truth over the reason why the club decided to sell tickets for £5 to people who may never have attended or thought about attending the ground while neglecting to offer the same tickets to members, who have paid £30 already for the honour, or fans on the database which they claim to have hit a million, with that many people you would of thought they could of outed those tickets without discounting, then again. The club have said they will call a SAB meeting where we will discuss ticketing and other issues, personaly the longer they leave it the more they will run the risk of alienating the very fans they need in the future.
Once the ticket scandal was starting to dampen then it came to light about a young boy who it had been claimed that he had been banned by the club for life, fined £1,100 and had his ST confiscated, all this after being arrested at the ground and then to top it all he had spent 16 hours in a police cell all for the crime of having a u-16 ST when he was 18.
#unbansam was the cry and rightly so in my eyes, as it appeared the club had treated him harshly, after all is not the east end way to pull astroke, beat the system, scam, no big crime is it. Bearing in mind the way some view the SAB I decided to see if as an SAB member could I help the kid out, I dont know him but I just felt he needed help, so again I emailed the club. The response was interesting to say the least, it apears there was more to this story to meet the eye, as it wasnt a club led investigation but a police investigation that brought him to the attention of the club, he wasnt banned for life, but until all outstanding monies owed to the club, yes the £1,100, due to the fact the club claim he defrauded out of them that amount, roughly abot £300 difference for the home ST and then the rest in away tickets etc etc.
Why the police came looking is not for me to divulge, 1. is that the police are still investigating him & 2. what he done was foolish but I wouldnt want him to be hung out to dry or have the sanctimonious fans having a pop at him. Ive offered to help him once the old bill have finished with him, I still think the £1,100 seems extreme and maybe the club could cut him some slack there, but the one thing both theses sagas have shown is that there is a need for a Fans supporters association/union, somewhere where fans with problems can go for help and advice and then that assosiciation could then speak with the club. It is quite clear that the SAB has not got the teeth to do that, it needs an independent fans body that with strength in numbers can do that. I look forward to that day, which will be soon, for people as bob dylan sang “ The times, they are a changing” VIVA Revolution.
OLAS v Chelsea 13/14
Monday is the anniversary of a football match that perhaps is defining moment in West Hams history, it laid the foundations of what was to become the "Academy of Football"
And yet the game in question did not feature West Ham nor any West Ham players, it was the defeat of England by Hungary 6-3 at Wembley Stadium. Significant in that not only was it England's 1st defeat by a non British isles team at home but the manor of the defeat and the way that England were outplayed by the Hungarians who deployed a deep laying striker or as we call them these days an attacking midfielder.
Why so significant to west ham though, to know that you have to look back to 1953 and the position the club was in. 1953 and we were what you would call an established 2nd tier team having been relegated in the early 1930's from Old Division 1whose only claim to fame was losing the 1st Wembley FA cup final in 1923, the club had stagnated after the war and it seemed content on keeping the Status Quo with no apparent ambition to achieve promotion back to the top level. The performance of the Hungarians, who to be fair to them were the reigning Olympic champions and would go on to be runners up in the next years World Cup, made a lasting impact on some of the very men that laid down the pathway to our future success. Malcolm Allison picked up the baton of making the changes needed, he was our centre half and club captain he was also allowed by the manager Ted Fenton to take coaching sessions and it was here in his coaching sessions that he tried to get the hammers fellow players to embrace the same system the Hungarians had used.
The coaching didn't just take place on the pitch, but continued in the Cafe on the Barking Rd, Cassertari's, using the condiments and sauces to re-enact the movements of the great Hungarian players. The players at that time also started coaching the younger players so the Academy was born. Promotion followed in 1958, sadly though Allison was to never play for the hammers in the top flight due to a serious bought of TB that resulted in the losing of 1 lung and eventually to his retirement, though he did go on to greater heights as a coach of Man city in the 60's. Allison was just the 1st though to make their mark on the hammers whose coaching was influenced by the Hungarians of the 50's, for after Fenton was dismissed they replaced him with a coach from Arsenal youth set up, Ron Greenwood, he too, as many English players at the time were now coaching the system the Hungarians had used to great effect, and perhaps luckily for Ron he got the benefit of all the early work started by Allison with the Youths on the Boleyn ground staff and so was born West Ham as a world known club through the success he brought.
From that momentous England Defeat on the 25 November 1953 was born the success that has made West ham from an also ran run of the mill team in to a club that has a history to be proud of and respected, hard to imagine what would of been had England won that day.
The recent international defeats to Chile and the Germans have laid bare a big problem with our national team and whether we are creating world class players to enable us to dine at the top table of football. 2 things for me stand out in to why we have a problem.
1 is there are no truly great English Coaches in the premier league, big Sam was the best placed English coach last season in 10th position, playing a brand of football that if played on the international stage would basically embarrass us, you can see similarities in the way Sam sets out to not lose games and the way Roy Hodgson sets England up, they are 2 peas in a pod. Sam though has a different task to Roy in that he has to keep us in the Prem more for financial reasons than any other, Roy though doesn't seem to know his favourite 11 let alone best, too many chopping and changing of players, we should be picking a team, not throwing in newbies to have a look at. He should of played the team he wants to take to brazil, get them ready as a team, using the fringe players now means with possibly only 3 games till the tournament starts next summer he is still no nearer knowing his 1st 11 let alone his squad not that we have 25 decent players anyway which leads me onto point 2, if any picture recently demonstrated why our young players who seem to have potential as teenagers don't quite reach their full potential on the world stage then I ask you all to check out what happened when Liverpool loanee to Derby Andre Wisdom took the wrong turn on his way to pride park and ended up getting his car stuck in about 3 feet of water and mud in a giant puddle. He abandoned his car in the water until after the game and he could get help to get it out. It wasn't the fact that Wisdom failed to use his name and not get the car stuck in the 1st place that highlighted for me the problem with our young talented players in this country but the fact that a 20 year old who has played less than 25 1st team games drives a £100,000 Porsche. When most kids his age can't afford to insure a ford fiesta let alone buy a 2nd hand one here we have a player flaunting his wealth when he has achieved absolutely nothing in his career so far. Can you imagine any South American 20 yr old footballer that hadn't made it as a regular in his team even contemplating sitting in a Porsche, I doubt it, yet in this country it seems the norm. I remember just after Junior Stanislas had broken in to our 1st team, seeing him sitting in his new Merc convertible waiting to get into the club car park, majority of the passing crowd didn't even know who he was. I'm not against players earning big money but I am against paying it to those that haven't even achieved anything of note in the game, we are rewarding our young players with far too much at too young an age and before they have achieved top class player standard. Wisdom probably already has more money than he thought he ever would when he was growing up in Bradford. Until we have youngsters hungry for success, and then if they do succeed reward them financially for succeeding, then I'm afraid England's national team will continue its down ward path as our young international players are coached by inferior English coaches with no drive in the players to succeed as financially many of them already have.
And yet the game in question did not feature West Ham nor any West Ham players, it was the defeat of England by Hungary 6-3 at Wembley Stadium. Significant in that not only was it England's 1st defeat by a non British isles team at home but the manor of the defeat and the way that England were outplayed by the Hungarians who deployed a deep laying striker or as we call them these days an attacking midfielder.
Why so significant to west ham though, to know that you have to look back to 1953 and the position the club was in. 1953 and we were what you would call an established 2nd tier team having been relegated in the early 1930's from Old Division 1whose only claim to fame was losing the 1st Wembley FA cup final in 1923, the club had stagnated after the war and it seemed content on keeping the Status Quo with no apparent ambition to achieve promotion back to the top level. The performance of the Hungarians, who to be fair to them were the reigning Olympic champions and would go on to be runners up in the next years World Cup, made a lasting impact on some of the very men that laid down the pathway to our future success. Malcolm Allison picked up the baton of making the changes needed, he was our centre half and club captain he was also allowed by the manager Ted Fenton to take coaching sessions and it was here in his coaching sessions that he tried to get the hammers fellow players to embrace the same system the Hungarians had used.
The coaching didn't just take place on the pitch, but continued in the Cafe on the Barking Rd, Cassertari's, using the condiments and sauces to re-enact the movements of the great Hungarian players. The players at that time also started coaching the younger players so the Academy was born. Promotion followed in 1958, sadly though Allison was to never play for the hammers in the top flight due to a serious bought of TB that resulted in the losing of 1 lung and eventually to his retirement, though he did go on to greater heights as a coach of Man city in the 60's. Allison was just the 1st though to make their mark on the hammers whose coaching was influenced by the Hungarians of the 50's, for after Fenton was dismissed they replaced him with a coach from Arsenal youth set up, Ron Greenwood, he too, as many English players at the time were now coaching the system the Hungarians had used to great effect, and perhaps luckily for Ron he got the benefit of all the early work started by Allison with the Youths on the Boleyn ground staff and so was born West Ham as a world known club through the success he brought.
From that momentous England Defeat on the 25 November 1953 was born the success that has made West ham from an also ran run of the mill team in to a club that has a history to be proud of and respected, hard to imagine what would of been had England won that day.
The recent international defeats to Chile and the Germans have laid bare a big problem with our national team and whether we are creating world class players to enable us to dine at the top table of football. 2 things for me stand out in to why we have a problem.
1 is there are no truly great English Coaches in the premier league, big Sam was the best placed English coach last season in 10th position, playing a brand of football that if played on the international stage would basically embarrass us, you can see similarities in the way Sam sets out to not lose games and the way Roy Hodgson sets England up, they are 2 peas in a pod. Sam though has a different task to Roy in that he has to keep us in the Prem more for financial reasons than any other, Roy though doesn't seem to know his favourite 11 let alone best, too many chopping and changing of players, we should be picking a team, not throwing in newbies to have a look at. He should of played the team he wants to take to brazil, get them ready as a team, using the fringe players now means with possibly only 3 games till the tournament starts next summer he is still no nearer knowing his 1st 11 let alone his squad not that we have 25 decent players anyway which leads me onto point 2, if any picture recently demonstrated why our young players who seem to have potential as teenagers don't quite reach their full potential on the world stage then I ask you all to check out what happened when Liverpool loanee to Derby Andre Wisdom took the wrong turn on his way to pride park and ended up getting his car stuck in about 3 feet of water and mud in a giant puddle. He abandoned his car in the water until after the game and he could get help to get it out. It wasn't the fact that Wisdom failed to use his name and not get the car stuck in the 1st place that highlighted for me the problem with our young talented players in this country but the fact that a 20 year old who has played less than 25 1st team games drives a £100,000 Porsche. When most kids his age can't afford to insure a ford fiesta let alone buy a 2nd hand one here we have a player flaunting his wealth when he has achieved absolutely nothing in his career so far. Can you imagine any South American 20 yr old footballer that hadn't made it as a regular in his team even contemplating sitting in a Porsche, I doubt it, yet in this country it seems the norm. I remember just after Junior Stanislas had broken in to our 1st team, seeing him sitting in his new Merc convertible waiting to get into the club car park, majority of the passing crowd didn't even know who he was. I'm not against players earning big money but I am against paying it to those that haven't even achieved anything of note in the game, we are rewarding our young players with far too much at too young an age and before they have achieved top class player standard. Wisdom probably already has more money than he thought he ever would when he was growing up in Bradford. Until we have youngsters hungry for success, and then if they do succeed reward them financially for succeeding, then I'm afraid England's national team will continue its down ward path as our young international players are coached by inferior English coaches with no drive in the players to succeed as financially many of them already have.
OLAS V Fulham 13/14
I was recently contacted by a west ham fan who wanted me to tell his story and in a way use it to help others that may feel trapped and alone. I have changed the name of the fan to protect him from unnecessary embarrassment or shame.
My name is Trevor ,,,,,,, and,,,,,,,,,,,,, I’m a West ham-a-holic. Its been all of 7 days since my last game. It all started as a kid, my uncle introduced me to it, I was so young that I can’t even remember the 1 st time, it’s as if all my life it’s been there. I never saw it being a problem, I mean have always gone West Ham, at first it was exciting being in the crowd with like minded people, . I had it under control. I could take it or leave it. I worked hard and was entitled to unwind in the company of like-minded friend’s, I enjoyed a good night game, and away days could be even better, pretty soon that it was evident that it was out of control though not to me, My wife complained that I was always going West Ham and didn't spend enough time with her that in turn led to many arguments. She just didn’t understand that when I was at football, I came out of myself, the highs were unexplainable, though too few or often and in the end I was just going to blot out the rest of my life, the trouble is in recent years I could find nothing to blot out the West Ham. My friends at 1 st were sympathetic but then 1 by 1 as their clubs became successful or won trophies they questioned why I continued down the path I was going. Its not the misery of supporting west Ham that gets you in you the end it’s the hope, the hope that they will win today, or even score a goal Yet they never do.
I have been suffering for many years now from the addiction, it seems there was no-where to turn, no help for me but at last it does seem that there is hope for me. This week I attended West Ham—a-holics anonymous, a group of like-minded west ham fans who through regular meetings help others afflicted with this debilitating illness. They have put in place a 10 point programme that all sufferers should follow to help them through and if like me you too are brave enough to admit you are a West ham-a-holic.
1. Cultivate continued acceptance that your choice is between being unhappy watching West Ham or being happy without west ham.
2.Accept as being normal that for a time, perhaps a long time, you will recurringly experience
A. The nagging craving to watch West Ham
B. The sudden impulse to go West Ham
C. The craving, perhaps not for West Ham, but for the warm fuzzy glow going West Ham gave you.
3. Remember that the times you didn’t go West Ham, normally called "Post Season" and use that thought to build up the strength to not go West Ham when you feel the urge taking over.
4. Develop and rehearse daily a plan of thinking and acting by which you will live each day without West Ham, regardless of how hard the urge to go West ham may hit you.
5. Don’t allow yourself to either think or talk about any real or imagined pleasure you got from watching West Ham, chances are it wasn’t real.
6. Don’t think for a second that "isn’t it a pity I can’t go West Ham like the normal fans can do
7.Don’t permit yourself to think "1 more game wont hurt" or "just let me go 1 more game and I will be able to stop" you won’t, just 1 game will make it worse.
8.Cultivate and woo the enjoyment and freedom of not going West Ham.
A. How good is it to be free of the shame and guilt of supporting West ham,
B. How good is it to be free of the consequences of being a West Ham fan, the misery of that feeling when you wake up on a Sunday morning after going West ham,
C. How good is it to be free of what fans of other clubs have been thinking and whispering about you, and their mingled pity with contempt,
D. See how good it is to be free of the fear of defeat.
9 Cultivate a helpful association of ideas.
A. Associate being a west ham fan with the single cause of Misery, shame and fear you have ever known
B. Associate being a West Ham fan as the only thing that can destroy your new found happiness, and take away your self-respect and full possession of your faculties.
10. Cultivate Gratitude:
A. Gratitude that so much can be yours for not paying the price of that ticket
B. Gratitude that you can trade going west Ham for all the happiness that brings
C. Gratitude that West Ham-a-holics exist and that you found them
D. Gratitude that you are a West Ham-a-holic, youre not a bad or wicked person, just you have been in the grip of a compulsion.
E. Gratitude that since others have done it, you in time will learn to live without West Ham
If you recognise the symptoms and think you need help as well ,
You can contact them free on 0800 0-0 0-0 0-0
My name is Trevor ,,,,,,, and,,,,,,,,,,,,, I’m a West ham-a-holic. Its been all of 7 days since my last game. It all started as a kid, my uncle introduced me to it, I was so young that I can’t even remember the 1 st time, it’s as if all my life it’s been there. I never saw it being a problem, I mean have always gone West Ham, at first it was exciting being in the crowd with like minded people, . I had it under control. I could take it or leave it. I worked hard and was entitled to unwind in the company of like-minded friend’s, I enjoyed a good night game, and away days could be even better, pretty soon that it was evident that it was out of control though not to me, My wife complained that I was always going West Ham and didn't spend enough time with her that in turn led to many arguments. She just didn’t understand that when I was at football, I came out of myself, the highs were unexplainable, though too few or often and in the end I was just going to blot out the rest of my life, the trouble is in recent years I could find nothing to blot out the West Ham. My friends at 1 st were sympathetic but then 1 by 1 as their clubs became successful or won trophies they questioned why I continued down the path I was going. Its not the misery of supporting west Ham that gets you in you the end it’s the hope, the hope that they will win today, or even score a goal Yet they never do.
I have been suffering for many years now from the addiction, it seems there was no-where to turn, no help for me but at last it does seem that there is hope for me. This week I attended West Ham—a-holics anonymous, a group of like-minded west ham fans who through regular meetings help others afflicted with this debilitating illness. They have put in place a 10 point programme that all sufferers should follow to help them through and if like me you too are brave enough to admit you are a West ham-a-holic.
1. Cultivate continued acceptance that your choice is between being unhappy watching West Ham or being happy without west ham.
2.Accept as being normal that for a time, perhaps a long time, you will recurringly experience
A. The nagging craving to watch West Ham
B. The sudden impulse to go West Ham
C. The craving, perhaps not for West Ham, but for the warm fuzzy glow going West Ham gave you.
3. Remember that the times you didn’t go West Ham, normally called "Post Season" and use that thought to build up the strength to not go West Ham when you feel the urge taking over.
4. Develop and rehearse daily a plan of thinking and acting by which you will live each day without West Ham, regardless of how hard the urge to go West ham may hit you.
5. Don’t allow yourself to either think or talk about any real or imagined pleasure you got from watching West Ham, chances are it wasn’t real.
6. Don’t think for a second that "isn’t it a pity I can’t go West Ham like the normal fans can do
7.Don’t permit yourself to think "1 more game wont hurt" or "just let me go 1 more game and I will be able to stop" you won’t, just 1 game will make it worse.
8.Cultivate and woo the enjoyment and freedom of not going West Ham.
A. How good is it to be free of the shame and guilt of supporting West ham,
B. How good is it to be free of the consequences of being a West Ham fan, the misery of that feeling when you wake up on a Sunday morning after going West ham,
C. How good is it to be free of what fans of other clubs have been thinking and whispering about you, and their mingled pity with contempt,
D. See how good it is to be free of the fear of defeat.
9 Cultivate a helpful association of ideas.
A. Associate being a west ham fan with the single cause of Misery, shame and fear you have ever known
B. Associate being a West Ham fan as the only thing that can destroy your new found happiness, and take away your self-respect and full possession of your faculties.
10. Cultivate Gratitude:
A. Gratitude that so much can be yours for not paying the price of that ticket
B. Gratitude that you can trade going west Ham for all the happiness that brings
C. Gratitude that West Ham-a-holics exist and that you found them
D. Gratitude that you are a West Ham-a-holic, youre not a bad or wicked person, just you have been in the grip of a compulsion.
E. Gratitude that since others have done it, you in time will learn to live without West Ham
If you recognise the symptoms and think you need help as well ,
You can contact them free on 0800 0-0 0-0 0-0
Saturday, 4 January 2014
Bloody Karren Brady sketch
Being on the SAB as I am I sat recently on the media committee that was discussing how they can improve the output on WHUTV.
It appears some one in the club has come up with an idea of having our 2 esteemed chairman re-enact comedy duo moments but with a west ham twist. 1 pitch was a Pete n Dud sketch and though sadly it was rejected the script has been passed to me and I present to you.
To set the scene Gold & Sullivan are sitting in the boardroom after a game having a pint with each other
Gold & Sully .THE BLOODY KARREN BRADY SKETCH
Goldy: All right then Sully are you
Sully: Not too bad, you know, not too bad
Goldy: What you been doing lately, then?
Sully: Well quiet, pretty quiet, not been up to much - I had a spot of the usual trouble the other day.
Goldy: Oh, did you - what happened then?
Sully: A spot of the usual trouble - well, I come home about half- past eleven - we'd been having a couple of drinks, remember? - I come home about half-past eleven, and, you know, I was feeling a bit tired, so, you know, I thought I'd go to bed, you know, take me clothes off, and so on, you know.
Goldy: 'right - well, don't you take your clothes off BEFORE you go to bed?
Sully: Er - no, I made that mistake this time, got it the wrong way round - anyway, I got into bed, settled down, I was just about, you know, reading "Pure Gold" your autobiography.
Goldy: Good ain't it
Sully: It's a lovely book, Goldy, a lovely book - an' I got up to about page 442, second paragraph, when suddenly - 'bring, bring - bring, bring'.
Goldy: What's that?
Sully: That's the 'phone, going 'bring, bring'. So I picked up the 'phone, and - you know who it was?
Goldy: no who?
Sully: Bloody Karren Brady. Calling from the government trade mission to china, bloody Karren Brady - I said, 'look, Karren, what do you think you're doing, calling me up half-past eleven at night?' She said 'It's half-past seven in the morning over here'. I said, 'I don't care what bloody time it is, there's no need to wake ME up'. She said, ' Sully, Sully - get on a plane, come dance with me, be mine tonight'. 'Be mine tonight' she said - I said, 'Look, Karren - we've had our laughs, we've had our fun, but it's all over'. I said, 'Stop pestering me, get back to Peschcisoledo - stop pestering ME' I said. I slammed the 'phone down and said 'Stop pestering me'.
Goldy: Shouldn't you have said 'Stop pestering me' BEFORE you put the 'phone down?
Sully: I should have, yes ...
Goldy: It's funny you should say that, 'cos a couple of nights ago, you remember, we had a couple of drinks ...
Sully: I remember that, yes ...
Goldy:... and I came home, you know, I was going to bed, felt a bit tired - I was having a nightcap ...
Sully: 'Course you were ...
Goldy:... and I was just dropping off nicely, and all of a sudden I heard this hollering in the kitchen.
Sully: Hollering'?
Goldy: And screaming and banging on the door, you know, and I thought I must have left the gas on - so I go down there - I fling open the door - you'll never guess - it's bloody Franco Zola, up to his knees in pasta, screaming at me - portami cuocere, mi permetta di essere ancora il vostro gestore!'
Sully: Italian.
Goldy: Italian, yes, he wants to be our manager again –anyway he was covered in mud, he grabbed hold of me, he pulled me all over the floor - he had one of them old Macron tops on ...
Sully: one with the stickers that peel off ...
Goldy: ... Yes, and we rolled all over the floor - I hit him, I said 'Get out of here! Get out of here, you Italian ... thing!' I said. 'Get out of here', I said ...
Sully: 'You Italian thing ...' a good thing to call him.
Goldy: Yes ... I said. 'Don't you come here and mess up MY pasta again, mate'.
Sully: I should hope not. I had the same bloody trouble about three nights ago - I come in, about half-past eleven at night, we'd been having a couple of drinks I remember - and I come in, I get into bed, you see, feeling quite sleepy, I could feel the lids of me eyes beginning to droop - a bit of the droop in the eyes - I was just about to drop off, when suddenly, 'tap, tap, tap' at the bloody window pane - I looked out - you know who it was?
Goldy: Who?
Sully: Bloody Karren Brady again, flown back from china! Bloody Karren Brady - stark naked save for a shortie nightie. She was hanging on to the window sill, and I could see her knuckles all white ... saying 'Sully, Sully I want you...' well you know how she bloody goes on - I said 'Get out of it!' - bloody Karren Brady. She wouldn't go - she wouldn't go, I had to smash her down with a broomstick, poke her off the window sill, she fell down on the pavement with a great crash ...
Goldy::She just had a nightie on, is that all?
Sully: That's all she had on, Goldy, just a ...
Goldy: See-through?
Sully... a see-through, shortie nightie. Nothing else - except for her dark glasses of course. Dreadful business.
Goldy: Well, it's funny you should say that ...
Sully: Yes, it's funny I should say that.
Goldy:... after the Sunderland game, I come home, we'd been having a couple of drinks ...
Sully: Couple of drinks, yes ...
Goldy:... I come home, I come through the door, and - sniff - sniff, sniff, I went - you know - funny smell, I thought, smells like aftershave ...
Sully: Brute Aftershave, Goldy?
Goldy: what ones brute aftershave
Sully: its the aftershave of choice for norvenors Goldy
Goldy: Funny you should say that, because I come in the bathroom, you know, I thought, 'bit stronger here', you know, 'sfunny - I come in the bedroom - it's getting ridiculous, this smell, you know, so I get into bed, you know, turn the covers back - it's a bit warm in bed - I thought, 'funny', you know, being warm like that - and - I get into bed, I put out the light - and, I was just going off to kip - and suddenly I feel a hand on my cheek.
Sully: Which cheek was that, Goldy? ... Come on - which cheek was it?
Goldy: It was the left upper. I said, I thought, you know, 'funny' ... I turned on the light - bloody hand here, Black fingernails urgh...
Sully: Who was it?
Goldy: You'll never guess - bloody Sam Allardyce
Sully: Sam Allardyce?
Goldy: Sam Allardyce, in bed with me, stark naked - I said 'Sam' ...
Sully: with the huge
Goldy: With the thing .yes.. I said, 'SAM', I said, 'get out of here' ...
Sully: Get out ...
Goldy: 'Get out of here', I said, 'you may be mean, arrogant and magnificent, but as far as I'm concerned, it's all over'. So I threw him down - I chased him out of bed, threw him down the stairs - I threw his Addidas coat and his - er – stupid head set after him, I threw them down ... and the Bolton wanderers scarf ... I said 'Get out of here! Get out of here, you fraud!' ... I threw his chewing gum - I threw a bucket of water over him, I said 'Get out of here, you fraud!'take your long
Sully: Ball?
Goldy: Ball…Yes,long ball - I said, 'don't come in my bed again, mate, it's disgusting!' Terrible ... I was shocked to the quick.
Sully: You're quite right, you got to do something about these bloody managers who pester you ...
Goldy: What you doing tonight, then?
Sully: Well ... I thought we might go watch Birmingham city play.
Next week they do Morecambe and Wise
It appears some one in the club has come up with an idea of having our 2 esteemed chairman re-enact comedy duo moments but with a west ham twist. 1 pitch was a Pete n Dud sketch and though sadly it was rejected the script has been passed to me and I present to you.
To set the scene Gold & Sullivan are sitting in the boardroom after a game having a pint with each other
Gold & Sully .THE BLOODY KARREN BRADY SKETCH
Goldy: All right then Sully are you
Sully: Not too bad, you know, not too bad
Goldy: What you been doing lately, then?
Sully: Well quiet, pretty quiet, not been up to much - I had a spot of the usual trouble the other day.
Goldy: Oh, did you - what happened then?
Sully: A spot of the usual trouble - well, I come home about half- past eleven - we'd been having a couple of drinks, remember? - I come home about half-past eleven, and, you know, I was feeling a bit tired, so, you know, I thought I'd go to bed, you know, take me clothes off, and so on, you know.
Goldy: 'right - well, don't you take your clothes off BEFORE you go to bed?
Sully: Er - no, I made that mistake this time, got it the wrong way round - anyway, I got into bed, settled down, I was just about, you know, reading "Pure Gold" your autobiography.
Goldy: Good ain't it
Sully: It's a lovely book, Goldy, a lovely book - an' I got up to about page 442, second paragraph, when suddenly - 'bring, bring - bring, bring'.
Goldy: What's that?
Sully: That's the 'phone, going 'bring, bring'. So I picked up the 'phone, and - you know who it was?
Goldy: no who?
Sully: Bloody Karren Brady. Calling from the government trade mission to china, bloody Karren Brady - I said, 'look, Karren, what do you think you're doing, calling me up half-past eleven at night?' She said 'It's half-past seven in the morning over here'. I said, 'I don't care what bloody time it is, there's no need to wake ME up'. She said, ' Sully, Sully - get on a plane, come dance with me, be mine tonight'. 'Be mine tonight' she said - I said, 'Look, Karren - we've had our laughs, we've had our fun, but it's all over'. I said, 'Stop pestering me, get back to Peschcisoledo - stop pestering ME' I said. I slammed the 'phone down and said 'Stop pestering me'.
Goldy: Shouldn't you have said 'Stop pestering me' BEFORE you put the 'phone down?
Sully: I should have, yes ...
Goldy: It's funny you should say that, 'cos a couple of nights ago, you remember, we had a couple of drinks ...
Sully: I remember that, yes ...
Goldy:... and I came home, you know, I was going to bed, felt a bit tired - I was having a nightcap ...
Sully: 'Course you were ...
Goldy:... and I was just dropping off nicely, and all of a sudden I heard this hollering in the kitchen.
Sully: Hollering'?
Goldy: And screaming and banging on the door, you know, and I thought I must have left the gas on - so I go down there - I fling open the door - you'll never guess - it's bloody Franco Zola, up to his knees in pasta, screaming at me - portami cuocere, mi permetta di essere ancora il vostro gestore!'
Sully: Italian.
Goldy: Italian, yes, he wants to be our manager again –anyway he was covered in mud, he grabbed hold of me, he pulled me all over the floor - he had one of them old Macron tops on ...
Sully: one with the stickers that peel off ...
Goldy: ... Yes, and we rolled all over the floor - I hit him, I said 'Get out of here! Get out of here, you Italian ... thing!' I said. 'Get out of here', I said ...
Sully: 'You Italian thing ...' a good thing to call him.
Goldy: Yes ... I said. 'Don't you come here and mess up MY pasta again, mate'.
Sully: I should hope not. I had the same bloody trouble about three nights ago - I come in, about half-past eleven at night, we'd been having a couple of drinks I remember - and I come in, I get into bed, you see, feeling quite sleepy, I could feel the lids of me eyes beginning to droop - a bit of the droop in the eyes - I was just about to drop off, when suddenly, 'tap, tap, tap' at the bloody window pane - I looked out - you know who it was?
Goldy: Who?
Sully: Bloody Karren Brady again, flown back from china! Bloody Karren Brady - stark naked save for a shortie nightie. She was hanging on to the window sill, and I could see her knuckles all white ... saying 'Sully, Sully I want you...' well you know how she bloody goes on - I said 'Get out of it!' - bloody Karren Brady. She wouldn't go - she wouldn't go, I had to smash her down with a broomstick, poke her off the window sill, she fell down on the pavement with a great crash ...
Goldy::She just had a nightie on, is that all?
Sully: That's all she had on, Goldy, just a ...
Goldy: See-through?
Sully... a see-through, shortie nightie. Nothing else - except for her dark glasses of course. Dreadful business.
Goldy: Well, it's funny you should say that ...
Sully: Yes, it's funny I should say that.
Goldy:... after the Sunderland game, I come home, we'd been having a couple of drinks ...
Sully: Couple of drinks, yes ...
Goldy:... I come home, I come through the door, and - sniff - sniff, sniff, I went - you know - funny smell, I thought, smells like aftershave ...
Sully: Brute Aftershave, Goldy?
Goldy: what ones brute aftershave
Sully: its the aftershave of choice for norvenors Goldy
Goldy: Funny you should say that, because I come in the bathroom, you know, I thought, 'bit stronger here', you know, 'sfunny - I come in the bedroom - it's getting ridiculous, this smell, you know, so I get into bed, you know, turn the covers back - it's a bit warm in bed - I thought, 'funny', you know, being warm like that - and - I get into bed, I put out the light - and, I was just going off to kip - and suddenly I feel a hand on my cheek.
Sully: Which cheek was that, Goldy? ... Come on - which cheek was it?
Goldy: It was the left upper. I said, I thought, you know, 'funny' ... I turned on the light - bloody hand here, Black fingernails urgh...
Sully: Who was it?
Goldy: You'll never guess - bloody Sam Allardyce
Sully: Sam Allardyce?
Goldy: Sam Allardyce, in bed with me, stark naked - I said 'Sam' ...
Sully: with the huge
Goldy: With the thing .yes.. I said, 'SAM', I said, 'get out of here' ...
Sully: Get out ...
Goldy: 'Get out of here', I said, 'you may be mean, arrogant and magnificent, but as far as I'm concerned, it's all over'. So I threw him down - I chased him out of bed, threw him down the stairs - I threw his Addidas coat and his - er – stupid head set after him, I threw them down ... and the Bolton wanderers scarf ... I said 'Get out of here! Get out of here, you fraud!' ... I threw his chewing gum - I threw a bucket of water over him, I said 'Get out of here, you fraud!'take your long
Sully: Ball?
Goldy: Ball…Yes,long ball - I said, 'don't come in my bed again, mate, it's disgusting!' Terrible ... I was shocked to the quick.
Sully: You're quite right, you got to do something about these bloody managers who pester you ...
Goldy: What you doing tonight, then?
Sully: Well ... I thought we might go watch Birmingham city play.
Next week they do Morecambe and Wise
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Only porn and whorses
So Liverpool in an attempt to crack the American market for their owners have allowed Fox TV to make a documentary series called “Being Liverpool”, a programme that follows the day to day goings on behind the scenes , which has got me thinking what would “Being West Ham” be like, imagine if a camera crew could follow our owners into the boardroom and eves drop into their conversations . I imagine it would be something like this,
Set the scene, West Ham owners have just trudged back into the boardroom after the end of their 1st full season in charge, which ended in relegation.
GOLDIE “what we gonna do Sully we need to get back up at the 1st time of asking or our dream will be gone”
SULLY “ don’t worry yourself old man I know what I am doing its all part of my master plan”
GOLDIE “ what’s that sully boy “
SULLY “drive the share price down so I can snap up the rest of the shares off the Icelandic’s at a lower price, get back up 1st time of asking and I’ll be quid’s in”
GOLDIE “ what do you mean I”
SULLY “sorry Goldie I mean we. Slip of the old tongue. Where that KAREN”
In walks Karen Brady, West Ham’s Vice Chairman.
SULLY “ah about time to Karen where you been “
KB “ I’ve just told Kevin Keen to forget about wanting the managers job”
GOLDIE “ why did you do that”
KB “ Because I sacked him”
GOLDIE “ but he’s West Ham through and through”
SULLY “Don’t worry about that, I’ve got some one lined up, a sure fire winner some one guaranteed to get this club where I want it. Karen, Stick the kettle on love and don’t forget the Hobnobs “
GOLDIE “ I remember once we were gonna make a Dildo called a Hob Knob, thought it might appeal to women who like to do it in the Kitchen
Sully and Karen just look and shake their heads.
In the background the sound of music can be heard getting louder, it’s the imperial March from Star Wars
Du du d du duu d duu d du duuu.
The door to the board room opens and in walks a giant of a man, dressed in black he breathes heavy, in and out, in and out,
Goldie struggles to get his words out as he looks on in fear
GOLDIE “It’s It’s”
SULLY “ Say hello to our new manager Goldie Big Fat Sam. Whats with the Heavy breathing Sam.
BFS “ bye eck Sully those stairs are a killer”
GOLDIE “ Whats he doing here sully, you promised me the next manager would be a football man, some one with a bit of class, a West Ham man
SULLY “ oh shut up you tart. We were lucky to get him; Real Madrid And Barcelona was after him you know. Aint that right Sam.”
BFS “ Oh YEAH,,,,,, Well Real macribs and Barca lone star, they both play at power league in Accrington on a Thursday. Macribs were the favourite to get me, sponsored by the local McDonalds’, offered me all I could eat mcflurries. But when I got your call Sully I flew down here as quick as the old Quattro could carry me.”
GOLDIE “ I told you in January when screwed O’Neil about, I don’t think the fans would swallow him sully”
SULLY “ They will Goldie, that’s the beauty of relegation, these muppetts, sorry fans, will swallow it, just like the punters that buy those dodgy blue pills we knock out in the back the Sport, desperate to see it rise they will swallow anything.”
BFS “ Is that tea coming and have you got any Eccles cake, I like Eccles cake I do”
KB “ Ive got crackers Sam “
BFS “ Aye love you have, a right pair of crackers they are, but I really fancy cake with me tea, just like me Ma gave me when I was but a nipper “
SULLY “ Don’t worry goldie, ive got a plan, . BFS will get us up in the 1st year wont you Sam”
BFS “ Aye, will do. Ill make this team the biggest in the land within 2 years”
SULLY “ See Goldie, we can do it.
With my leadership, Sams managemnt, Karens ability to bullshit with best and you as the Figure head, the matriarch, the man whose come back home like Moses to lead us to our MECCA”
BFS “ MECCA, did you say Mecca. I like a game of Bingo, used to play it with my Mam down t club, just before the Strippers came on”
SULLY “ No Sam, not Bingo, STRATFORD, THE OLYMPIC STADIUM. If we can get into there, what with flogging this place and knock out a couple of the other sites well be quids in.
THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WELL BE BILLIONAIRES”
Cue the closing theme tune.
We've got some half price Adult tickets and miles and miles of dodgy scarfs,
T.V.s, garden gnomes and cockney reject L.P.s,
Ball games, gold chains,
whatsnames, and leather goods,
And Trevor Brooking track suits from a geezer in the Spotted Dog,
DOG, DOG DOG DOG DOG ...
No income tax, no V.A.T.,
No money back, no guarantee,
long or short, pass or hoof
We'll play the game very longgggggg
God bless Green Street,
Viva Green Street,
Long live Green Street,
C'est magnifique, Green Street,
Magnifique, Green Street, Green Street (to fade)
Apparently the working title was “Only Porn and Whoreses” and you’ll have to wait to later in the season to see what happened next.
Set the scene, West Ham owners have just trudged back into the boardroom after the end of their 1st full season in charge, which ended in relegation.
GOLDIE “what we gonna do Sully we need to get back up at the 1st time of asking or our dream will be gone”
SULLY “ don’t worry yourself old man I know what I am doing its all part of my master plan”
GOLDIE “ what’s that sully boy “
SULLY “drive the share price down so I can snap up the rest of the shares off the Icelandic’s at a lower price, get back up 1st time of asking and I’ll be quid’s in”
GOLDIE “ what do you mean I”
SULLY “sorry Goldie I mean we. Slip of the old tongue. Where that KAREN”
In walks Karen Brady, West Ham’s Vice Chairman.
SULLY “ah about time to Karen where you been “
KB “ I’ve just told Kevin Keen to forget about wanting the managers job”
GOLDIE “ why did you do that”
KB “ Because I sacked him”
GOLDIE “ but he’s West Ham through and through”
SULLY “Don’t worry about that, I’ve got some one lined up, a sure fire winner some one guaranteed to get this club where I want it. Karen, Stick the kettle on love and don’t forget the Hobnobs “
GOLDIE “ I remember once we were gonna make a Dildo called a Hob Knob, thought it might appeal to women who like to do it in the Kitchen
Sully and Karen just look and shake their heads.
In the background the sound of music can be heard getting louder, it’s the imperial March from Star Wars
Du du d du duu d duu d du duuu.
The door to the board room opens and in walks a giant of a man, dressed in black he breathes heavy, in and out, in and out,
Goldie struggles to get his words out as he looks on in fear
GOLDIE “It’s It’s”
SULLY “ Say hello to our new manager Goldie Big Fat Sam. Whats with the Heavy breathing Sam.
BFS “ bye eck Sully those stairs are a killer”
GOLDIE “ Whats he doing here sully, you promised me the next manager would be a football man, some one with a bit of class, a West Ham man
SULLY “ oh shut up you tart. We were lucky to get him; Real Madrid And Barcelona was after him you know. Aint that right Sam.”
BFS “ Oh YEAH,,,,,, Well Real macribs and Barca lone star, they both play at power league in Accrington on a Thursday. Macribs were the favourite to get me, sponsored by the local McDonalds’, offered me all I could eat mcflurries. But when I got your call Sully I flew down here as quick as the old Quattro could carry me.”
GOLDIE “ I told you in January when screwed O’Neil about, I don’t think the fans would swallow him sully”
SULLY “ They will Goldie, that’s the beauty of relegation, these muppetts, sorry fans, will swallow it, just like the punters that buy those dodgy blue pills we knock out in the back the Sport, desperate to see it rise they will swallow anything.”
BFS “ Is that tea coming and have you got any Eccles cake, I like Eccles cake I do”
KB “ Ive got crackers Sam “
BFS “ Aye love you have, a right pair of crackers they are, but I really fancy cake with me tea, just like me Ma gave me when I was but a nipper “
SULLY “ Don’t worry goldie, ive got a plan, . BFS will get us up in the 1st year wont you Sam”
BFS “ Aye, will do. Ill make this team the biggest in the land within 2 years”
SULLY “ See Goldie, we can do it.
With my leadership, Sams managemnt, Karens ability to bullshit with best and you as the Figure head, the matriarch, the man whose come back home like Moses to lead us to our MECCA”
BFS “ MECCA, did you say Mecca. I like a game of Bingo, used to play it with my Mam down t club, just before the Strippers came on”
SULLY “ No Sam, not Bingo, STRATFORD, THE OLYMPIC STADIUM. If we can get into there, what with flogging this place and knock out a couple of the other sites well be quids in.
THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WELL BE BILLIONAIRES”
Cue the closing theme tune.
We've got some half price Adult tickets and miles and miles of dodgy scarfs,
T.V.s, garden gnomes and cockney reject L.P.s,
Ball games, gold chains,
whatsnames, and leather goods,
And Trevor Brooking track suits from a geezer in the Spotted Dog,
DOG, DOG DOG DOG DOG ...
No income tax, no V.A.T.,
No money back, no guarantee,
long or short, pass or hoof
We'll play the game very longgggggg
God bless Green Street,
Viva Green Street,
Long live Green Street,
C'est magnifique, Green Street,
Magnifique, Green Street, Green Street (to fade)
Apparently the working title was “Only Porn and Whoreses” and you’ll have to wait to later in the season to see what happened next.
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